


Faceless Family Portraits

by notthemostuplifting



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, If This Gets Good Reviews I'll Write More, Just Take It Please, Memory Loss, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, One Shot, Stay Tuned Bois, Still Half Asleep Tbh, There Isn't Even Any 'Action' I Just Don't Wanna Risk It, i was half asleep when i wrote this, memory repression, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 20:19:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11387664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notthemostuplifting/pseuds/notthemostuplifting
Summary: If he was being honest, he still couldn't remember half of his life before he woke up that very first time. And believe him, he tried.





	Faceless Family Portraits

_A quickened breath, as soft as a ghost._

_He feels no worry right now._

_Hands running up and down his sides, the gentle warmth emitting from them a sweet haven. He has found where he is safe once more, in these arms, this warmth, this utter bliss that he feels forming beneath his skin as the other begins to rub against him. He can't tell exactly where the soft whimpers are coming from, but if he could guess it was probably from himself. The only question that resided at this point was who could make him feel like this? So unraveled, so open, so wanted? He reached out, desperate for them to grab onto his hands. But it seemed like it was too late, for the dream had already faded and passed._

 

* * *

 

 

Evan awoke with a start, his face flushed red as his eyes adjusted to the darkness of his bedroom. The glow stars on the ceiling stared back at him, chattering among themselves. They always looked so busy up there, stuck without a worry in the world.

The night was quiet so far, the sound of the wind moving the trees outside being the only thing Evan could hear. And it was only about ten minutes of silence and staring out the window later that Evan actually remembered the dream. He quickly sat up with his face burning, it was vivid this time, not like something he'd remember watching on Porn Hub. No, it felt... real. Could it have been real, an actual memory? Evan mused. He didn't have an answer for himself, though, he couldn't remember. If he was being honest, he still couldn't remember half of his life before he woke up that very first time. And believe him, he tried. He already looked through all the photo books, the pictures hanging on the walls, the ones that floated around his mothers Facebook profile. He watched every old family video on the old camera, read every journal, looked at all the therapy letters and nothing. He just couldn't remember anything, and at this point he kinda had to accept that.

Dr. Sherman said that maybe it was Evan who didn't want to remember anything, and that had messed him up for weeks. But it took only a few more questionnaires and it had actually proved to be true. So here he was, a nineteen year old high school graduate that couldn't remember 70% of his entire lifetime, but could easily pass every math/English test handed to him. Evan often wondered if he was happy how everything turned out to be, and _surprisingly_ it wasn't the first time he had answered 'no'. Except this time his answer had been a slightly bolder 'no', because he had something he wanted to remember, which never happened! Sure, the dream was a little bit dirty (okay, maybe a lot) but it wasn't a bad dream. Evan didn't feel shame for wanting to remember more of it, because in the dream, he had felt loved. Something he rarely felt, besides love from his mother, but that's a different kind of love. Evan had felt cherished, then. And he wanted more of it, of that sweet bliss that hid behind his eyelids. God, it felt so familiar. But why couldn't he make out any detail of the other person? His thoughts wondered back to what Dr. Sherman had said about not wanting to remember, and of course, Evan's mind immediately swam into the darkest part of the ocean anyone could possibly imagine, trying to see if his false pictures would shake anything repressed memory-ish. But of course, nothing happened. No sudden realization, no clue, nothing. He was just left with a bunch of possibilities of what could have happened that made him want to forget something so bright, and they were all bad! Evan groaned, why did he have to do this to himself? He turned himself, quietly pouting at all the lost ships that would never find dock in the ruthless sea of Evan Hansen, the dark waters there were never forgiving. He'd send out ship after ship, hoping for something more than battered drift wood from long long ago that didn't make sense with anything he already had figured out and pieced together.

This sea of broken dreams was all he knew, and for some reason, he really wished he would drown and just see everything all at once. A whole lifetime that he wasn't familiar with. It would be like one of those old videos from the camera in the attic that his mother gave to him right after they came home from the hospital. Nothing would fit, but he could just sit and imagine what it felt like when he fell off the couch that one time, or when they baked cookies for his dad's birthday. A dad that no longer existed, A dad with no face. Just like Evan. Like father, like son after all.

_(Sometimes, when it was really dark, Evan really wouldn't have a face. No, he'd stare into the mirror and see a stranger, someone he didn't know. Someone who didn't know him. )_

A glance to his bedside table caught his attention, it was five in the morning. Which means that Evan'd have to stay up from here on. Another groan emitted from the blond as he lied back down and closed his eyes, shoving a pillow on his face as he raised his volume to take sure that the world knew today was going to be a 'Fuck You' kind of day. He stayed like that for a few seconds, finally silencing his wails. Then the pillow he had resting on his face fell and he couldn't even be bothered to pick it up, _fuck you pillow,_ he thought bitterly. Then, he finally re-opened his eyes, taking a second look at the glowing stars, sighing. He kind of really wishes he hadn't woken up at all that day, but then again, he also wishes that he fucking remembered what happened that day too.

Why was life so complicated? He wondered. And like that, he finally sat up and got ready for the day, as it was obviously going to be a long one.

**Author's Note:**

> Can you tell I got lazy with the ending? If so, leave a comment, like, and subscribe to see more cool content from this channel! *wink* 
> 
> I literally have no soul anymore, this has sucked the best from me unfortunately. Please leave Kudos if you liked it or would like me to continue though! This is my first published work so I'm kinda nervous but whatever! Take risks! Right? 
> 
> Okay but seriously, thank you for reading this if you did, if you didn't.. welp.. I don't know how you're seeing this. 
> 
> Have a great day, I love you bye! <3


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